Baby Fat

I was always the fat kid. Wasn’t I? I thought I was. My whole life I thought I was the fat kid. Kids must have said things to me. Did an adult tell me I was fat? I must have believed I was fat. So I went and looked at some old photos of myself. I have to say I am shocked. Now I know I wasn’t an obese kid. Not like the kids today. In the 70’s most kids were SKINNY. I only knew one or two really fat kids. But now seeing the photos from my childhood I see, for the first time ever, something entirely different. I look really normal. Why I am seeing myself this way for the first time ever. I think I might cry. The little girl I see in my photos looks fine. No she isn’t rail thin…but she isn’t fat. I have looked at these photos hundreds of times and I have never seen them like this before.

This one is me and my cousin. I am wearing the rocking green jumper. We are the same age and the same height. She was the skinny one. I was the fat one. Or so I thought.


Here I am on Virginia beach. I am about 10 years old. I can see a thickness through my middle, my thighs are not skinny. My legs are still this shape. But that sweet little girl looks pretty average to me. Not a skinny minny but not the tub-o-lard I remember being.




Here I am in High School (in the yellow dress). I am standing next to my friend Lisa. I thought she was skinny (she was skinny). The dress did hide my lower body. I think my legs were bigger than hers-is that why I thought I was fat?


I’m not even sure how to handle this revelation. I hope it has something to do with really seeing myself for the first time in my life. I hope it is part of realizing that being fat isn’t who I am, it isn’t my destiny, it is under my control. Now I have to work on figuring out why for all these years I thought I was fat when I obviously wasn’t. Psychotherapy anyone.

Why can’t I dance my ass off?

Ok, I’m gonna make this short and sweet. My body is all sorts of weird. I can carry about 30 pounds of weight for each clothing size. And honestly it sorta ticks me off. I have been watching Dance Your Ass Off (and to think I always blamed my lack of dancing ability on my size). The women stand up on the massive TV-production-value scale each week and exclaim…I’ve lost 25 pounds and 5 sizes. WHAT! How is that possible? Not me. 22 pounds down and still in my size 20 pants. I have maybe gone from a 3X shirt to a 2X….but that’s hardly substantial. I keep trying on 18s (because you know I have a 30 gallon storage tub full) but I can’t get close to buttoning them. Dang it. Now in all honesty the pants that were tight on me when I started this journey are now loose-practically falling off….and when I started I was right on the verge of wearing a 22…and I think the larger the size the greater the likelihood of size variation….and it is nice to have my pants fit comfortably but I would like it so much more if I could lose a size. When I weighed 169 (my lowest ever adult weight) I wore a size 14. So logically I can assume that it could take me losing almost 100 pounds to lose 3 dress sizes. Time to refer back to The Beck Diet Solution….my situation may not be fair, so what, deal with it and move on.

The Cupcake

Today at Whole Foods my daughter chose two cupcakes to bring home, one for her and one for her brother. Neither of them liked the cupcakes and promptly returned them to me untouched except for a missing swipe of icing. Hmmmm….what to do now. The cupcakes were huge, made of pound cake with fluffy white icing. And to my brains dismay not filled with artificial ingredients. I decided to cut a sliver, a sliver that most likely delivered one to two hundred calories. It was fantastic. The pound cake was nearly identical to my grandmas…something I hadn’t tasted in 20 years. The icing was the piece de resistance the literal “icing on the cake”. Then the unthinkable happened. An hour later I ate another sliver. This was starting to look a lot like some old behaviors…the type of behaviors that got me to 263. I quickly froze the second cupcake. Then a few hours later I was tempted by yet another sliver. Quickly I fed the remaining cake to my dogs, knowing I was no match for this cupcake. Heretofore I had managed to resist the few baked goods I allowed in the house. Grocery store cakes and cupcakes no longer taste good to me. Even my old favorite Trader Joes bite sixed cupcakes didn’t appeal to me, but this masterpiece of flour and sugar was irresistible. At least it was until about an hour after my last bite when I realized how crappy I felt. My head hurt. I was sluggish. I was grumpy and short tempered with the kids. WOW! I realized I hadn’t had a sugary treat like this in almost two months. The more real food I eat the better I feel and now I felt awful. Quickly I put on my sweats and headed out for a walk. Ahhh that’s better. Lesson learned. Even a delectable treat isn’t worth it if you feel terrible after eating it.

So where have you been

I have heard that if you quit blogging on a weight loss blog it means you failed. In my case it means three things. 1. Your computer was fried in a thunderstorm. 2. You’ve been reading every weight loss memoir ever written. 3. You’ve become totally obsessed with whole, natural foods and you have watched and read everything you can get your hands on to support your case.

The weight loss is going well. I hit 20 pounds about a week ago. I thought I had this whole plateau thing figured out….no….not even close. My weight loss is nothing but a giant plateau. Still I keep trudging. I am giddy with the thought of getting into the 230’s. I haven’t seen a 230 on the scale in about 3 years-maybe four. Sadly I am still wearing the same size but more on that later. I think the best thing about deciding to make a permanent lifestyle change is that you have all the time in the world. As much as I want to be THIN NOW….it’s not like my eating will change, it’s not like I get to go back to 24/7 brownies and ice cream.

Losing It

I think weight loss must all be about mind set. I’ve thought about “dieting” for a few years now. But honestly I couldn’t reach the point mentally where I was ready. I feel I have reached that point. Honestly the last two weeks have been easy. I committed to this and I feel like I can do it. I’ve been trying to eat 6 times a day. Always eating something right after I get up. I’m having healthy snacks and low calorie meals for the most part. I’ve survived dining out. I don’t regret NOT eating anything. I mean typically I would have eaten tons of sweets in two weeks time. I would have eaten ice cream and cookies every night, brownies for breakfast, lots of fast food; I would have bought apple turnovers at the grocery and eaten 4 in a sitting…and you know what….no part of me it thinking, as I sit here Friday morning, that I wish I had eaten all that junk. I’ve learned some other really valuable skills which I’ll share soon. And by the way I am down over 10 pounds. Now I know that won’t continue to happen. I know that I will eventually have to work for my weight loss but I suspected these first 15 or 20 pounds would come off easily. Why? Because my body was so over weight that it almost “wants” to drop some of this weigh quickly. I’m seeing numbers on the scale that I haven’t seen in over a year and I am so excited. On the other hand I doubt anyne will begine to "see" a change in my body until I lose 30 pounds or more. That's the weird thing about my body...I can lose 30 pounds and still wear the same size pants.

I’m Back and the results are in.

Overall it was a great girl’s beach trip. I had decided not to weigh myself this week-just in case I hadn’t been as disciplined on the trip as I imagined. But curiosity overcame me this morning on the scale…drumroll please…and after a weekend of being away from home, dining out A LOT, and drinking (way too much) I am down 9 POUNDS! Ok let’s be honest…when you weigh as much as I do you can vary in weight 5 pounds over the course of a day-that is pretty normal…and when I weighted myself later in the day my weight loss was only at about 6 pounds…but I can tell you this for sure…when I was at the beach my pants were loose in the waist! That is so exciting.

So how did I do it? Well I did pack all my own snacks for the trip. I did prepare healthy snacks while at the beach and I did stick to vodka and seltzer with a splash of pomegranate juice. I brought my own breakfast, oatmeal with banana, so I wouldn’t get too hungry and splurge.

I should also point out that my friends brought and bought the following for the trip….cookies, brownies, magic bars, taquitos, chips, avacado…and well lots of fabulous fatty foods. All my favorites under one roof. I did eat a bit of avocado dip but I tried to make each bite heavy on tomatoes and light on avocado. I avoided the fatty baked appetizers almost entirely and limited my sweets to one cookie, ¼ of a brownie (basically a bite) and not quite a whole magic bar.

I did splurge on two tamales from the farmers market. I ate one for breakfast and for lunch. Homemade tamales are my favorite.

When we went out to eat I made good choices. At one restaurant I avoided what I would normally order (which was the steak and fry salad with blue cheese) and got a grilled chicken breast and grits (I love grits) and a side of salsa to eat with the chicken. At breakfast one day I ordered egg beaters with turkey sausage and toast. Usually I would get several scrambled eggs, fried potatoes, bacon, grits and biscuits. At my favorite seafood place I ordered blackened grouper with a side of tomatoe and okra stew. I would have typically gotten fried fish with French fries, hush puppies and cole slaw. Finally at another restaurant I ordered a veggie melt…yes it had cheese (but not too much) which is a splurge but it also had tons of yummy roasted veggies…..it was delish and I didn’t feel deprived at all.

As for my friends…they were totally supportive. Maybe too supportive as I begged to go out for a burger one night and they refused to let me…saying I would regret it…and they were right.

The conclusion: you can have a great vacation without gaining weight. I discovered the fun was really spending time with friends and enjoying the beach...not the food. And next year I'll be wearing a cute little dress not a tunic and capri pants...I can't weight! Ha Ha.

Big Ole Challenge Time

I am about to face my first big diet challenge: Girls Weekend. A debaucherous 4 days of eating, drinking, and general frivolity and laziness. Oh how I love this annual trip with my girlfriends and oh how I dread managing my intake of food and drink so as not to sabotage my dieting.

Problem # 1- Road Trip. We will have to drive at least 7 hours in the car, both ways, with various stops for meals and snacks-yikes!

Problem #2 - Drinking. I’m not a big drinker…except on girls weekend where we wander around a small tropical island intoxicated every night.

Problem # 3 - Eating out. We will do plenty of dining out-think fried fish places.

Problem # 4 - Cocktail hour….where we pile the patio table with junk food and appetizers and eat, drink and generally be merry.

Problem # 5 – will my girl friends will think I’m crazy and try to sabotage me?

Now the solutions….I’ll pack my own snacks for the road like sliced apples, carrots, and granola bars. I’ll drink vodka with seltzer and lime….as low cal as you can go when it comes to inappropriate drinking. When we eat out I’ll make the healthy choices…there is always something….even if I don’t really want that food. I’ll bring and buy healthy snacks for cocktail hour…think veggies and hummus, pita chips and eggplant dip. And I hope my friends will support me…..

Realizations

Well it’s been a few days since my last post. It’s Monday to be exact. I made it through the weekend. And over the past few days I’ve come to a few realizations. I can do this! I am filling my mind with positive self talk. I won’t allow myself to say “I can’t do this.” I feel a positive energy this time. I am a tenacious person. I am stubborn to a fault. I decided it’s about time to use that stubbornness to benefit ME. I don’t want to cheat, I don’t want to fail. I can visualize my 40th birthday; I can visualize hitting the town and looking great. I asked my husband it I could get a breast lift when I get to my goal weight. I have always thought I wasn’t worth the money. But now I know I am worth it and I know I’m going to get it.

I read in someone’s weight loss blog about something called the Beck Diet something in or other…maybe Solution. First let me thank her for being instrumental in getting me motivated to consider this. So back to Beck-I know almost nothing about this product, but briefly looking at the book on Amazon, it appears to teach a new way of thinking, thinking like a thin person. I certainly need this! I have always been the fat girl. And apparently if you have always been “fat” you develop a different way of thinking. Without going into specifics I know this is true. I am excited to do some mental work and I’ll post more when I actually receive the book.
Until then I’m working on one exercise form the book-something along the lines of writing down al the reasons you want to lose weight and then reading the list often to stay motivated. I think it’s a great idea and I’ll post my list when I complete.

Stuff

In my first post I mentioned stuff. I’m referring to material possessions that I have surrounded myself with for the past ten years. Oddly enough the acquisition of useless stuff is almost directly proportional to my weight gain. What sort of stuff? Well I’ll admit I love shopping. I’ve been trying to stop for a few months now. I found myself falling into the same pattern of shopping, getting a high, feeling guilty, accumulating things I didn’t really need and after a few weeks or months didn’t really want, then taking a carload of stuff to Goodwill. More specifically I’m talking about linens (lots of linens), decorative home goods, clothes on sale (that I didn’t really love), pet, supplies, toys, kitchen tools, plates, dishes, you name it. The process is a lot like over eating. I started this process to reduce the “thing” in my life partially because I didn’t want to spend so much money but also because I knew it was almost morally wrong to buy cheap mass produced things I didn’t need. I wanted to learn to live a more simple life. Learn to not give into my every whim. How many comforter sets and new towels does a person need anyway? Not to mention that my basement is full my closets are over flowing. Then perhaps there was my husband’s comment that perhaps we should get a rental storage unit. ENOUGH!

There’s no time like the present

After deciding I was ready to lose weight I toyed with the idea of having an official starting day or maybe a last meal. But I opted with starting right then and there, in the middle of the day on a Friday. I think it was the best option. No chickening out. No eating obscene amounts of foods to kick off my new lifestyle change. Now lets see if I can make it work. Cross that out. What I meant to say was... Now watch me make it work!

Getting Started

I’m going to do it. I am almost 40 years old. I am not sure I have ever been true to myself. I have lived someone else’s life. I have lived the life I thought I was supposed to live. Over the past weeks I have felt a fundamental change happening in my mind. My entire life feels heavy-not just my body. I feel a sudden urgent need to get rid of all the things in my life that are weighing me down. Clutter, fat, obligations. My husband must think I’m crazy but I feel as if I don’t make major changes to my life I will drown-drown in clutter, drown in fat. How could I have wasted half my life. I want the next 40 years to be on my terms.

I cry when I think of dieting. I used to cry when I thought of getting rid of my “things’ but now I embrace it. I wonder if I’ll ever feel that way about losing weight.

After my daughter was born I lost over 30 pounds on weight watchers. I remember thinking as I carried my son up the stairs one day how heavy he was, and that was almost exactly the amount of weight I’d lost. Now I need to lose twice that much. What I carry with me each day is so heavy such a burden, yet such a comfort.
I fear losing friends. I eat with my friends. It’s how we celebrate. We commiserate over fat, over eating.

I’ve been reading weight loss blogs. I find many depressing and not at all inspiring, so many are self deprecating. I’m tired of being self deprecating. I’m tired of apologizing for myself. I’ve decided to blog my way through this process. My husband is going to try to lose weight too. So hopefully with his support and my accountability to this blog I’ll be able to keep at it.

First of all I’m setting a goal. It’s a big goal. I want to lose 60 pounds. That would put me at 200 pounds. Now I know 200 pounds still seems like a lot. But being 5’10” I looked pretty good at 200 pounds (oh so many years ago). 200 pounds is nowhere near skinny. But it is a good reasonable goal.
I have decided that I want to be 60 pounds smaller by my 40th birthday and I want to stay fit for life.

So I’ve done it. I completed step one. I set a goal. Next I’ll make a list of why I want to lose weight.